Feeling Guilty All the Time? You Might Actually Be Experiencing Shame.
Are you always feeling guilty? Guilty for saying “no”, for being a burden on others, or even guilty for feeling resentful or angry? Listen, I get it. Growing up Asian means you're probably no stranger to that voice in your head saying, “Not good enough,” or “What will people think?”. But, if your guilt is constant and always lingering, you may actually be experiencing shame. See, guilt is a natural response that is based on our actions, what we do. It allows for correction and taking responsibility. But shame is something more insidious as it attacks our character. Guilt says, I feel bad for doing this. Shame says, “I am bad for doing this”.
With shame, there is a conflation of your actions with who you are as a person– if you make a mistake, that means you’re a failure or incompetent. If you accidentally make a hurtful joke, you then you’re a mean person. If you forget to consider others, you’re inconsiderate.
Shame warps our view of ourselves.
Now you might be thinking, “but Angela, there are people out there who do mean things are are actually mean people.” Ok, yes—there are definitely people out there with antisocial personality disorders. But we are ever evolving beings who have the capacity to learn and grow (learning is growing is part of how we adapt and survive). By judging every action as a character flaw, we don’t give ourselves the space to heal, break patterns, change mindsets.
When we separate our actions from our identities, it gives us the freedom to say, “Maybe doing this doesn’t actually make me a bad person.” By conflating the two, we rush to harsh conclusions about ourselves, limiting our ability to see mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than defining who we are. And it makes it much more difficult to take responsibility and apologize because in our minds, we’re not apologizing for the actions we made, but rather, we’re apologizing for who we are. If we do say sorry, it then feels like we are admitting that we are bad, or not enough, or incompetent. Because of this, shame can even cause us to be more defensive, because we are defending our character.
Have you ever confronted your Asian parents about something that they did that hurt you, but instead of apologizing (Asian parents apologize? whaaaaa??) they start to say, “you’re right, I’m just a bad parent” even though you never called them bad? That’s because shame is so steeped in Asian culture. Having shame is actually encouraged because it causes individuals to strive for honor. If we believe we are bad, we always strive for good. If we think we’re not enough, we’re always trying to achieve. If we feel like we’re a burden, we try our best not to inconvenience others. Children are instilled with shame from a young age in hopes that shaming would encourage better behavior (no wonder our parents are always shaming us by comparing us to our older siblings or cousins).
Back to the original point.
Our parents truly believe that by doing wrong, they are bad because they conflate their actions with their worth. And by being defensive or even victimizing themselves, they are trying to preserve their worth.
But, wouldn’t it be easier for everyone if every little thing we do doesn’t actually need to be attached with so much meaning? What if we can allow ourselves to think, “it was just a mistake” or “I didn’t do it on purpose” or “it was an accident”, “this doesn’t mean I’m an awful person”. When we learn to add more nuance and decouple our identities from our actions, that’s when we can distance ourselves from shame, take responsibility for our actions because we don’t feel our character is being attacked, see ourselves more clearly, and thus increase our mental resilience. And by giving grace and understanding to ourselves, we are then able to offer it to others.
So next time you’re feeling guilty, ask yourself–am I actually feeling shame? If so, how can I add more nuance to how I think about myself?
Ready to break free from shame?
Tired of being bound by shame? Ready to reclaim your identity and see yourself clearly? Therapy or coaching is a safe space to uproot internalized beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors, exercise strategies to forge new mindsets, and find empowerment in breaking barriers that used to keep you stuck and discouraged. Through 1:1 coaching, I help you break free from shame that manifests as people pleasing, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome. Book a free consultation to see if therapy or coaching is right for you!
