So When Are You Having Kids? Navigating Challenging Family Gatherings Over the Holidays

It's the holiday season and the scent of pumpkin spice latte is in the air. There’s nothing like coming home to spend time with your family and…getting harassed by intrusive questions about how much you make, what you’re doing with your life, who you’re dating, and when you’re having kids, right? While in the movies, the holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer. For many of us, holidays and days leading up to them can be filled with anticipatory stress. 

Whether you’re in college coming back home for the holidays, or you’ve been living away for many years, coming home suddenly feels like you’ve regressed back to your 15 yr old self. You find yourself having tantrums and storming off to your room. You feel like you need to ask for permission to stay out late. This happens to the best of us, we can feel the regression even if we have healthy relationships with our families–it’s just not as intense or detrimental.

That’s because coming home can trigger old childhood dynamics. Unless an individual has been able to healthily differentiate from their family and establish their own identities, coming home can trigger unhealthy dynamics. Not only do adult children regress, but parents can also regress to their previous styles of parenting. And if they were the authoritarian type, girl, good luck. How parents treat adult children can fuel adult child regression and vice versa. This causes tension especially because adult children want to be treated as adults. 

Other reasons this regression occurs is because parents are not familiar with the adult version of their children. Because they may not have witnessed the growth outside of the home, parents have a frozen view of their child. They know the childhood version of you better than the adult version–which makes sense since you lived your first few decades of your life with them. Conversely, adult children may have set beliefs of what their parents are like. How our parents treat us can cause us to behave in certain familiar ways and how we behave also informs the way they treat us. 

So, how can we stop ourselves from falling into familiar routines and interaction? 

Here are a few tips:

First, be aware of your triggers and how you may be regressing. Perhaps with other adult relationships, you are able to express your opinion, set boundaries, communicate your feelings–but when you’re at home, you find yourself avoiding or even throwing a tantrum. When we are aware of these patterns, we can be more thoughtful with our actions rather than let them happen automatically. Additionally, it’s important to be aware of your own tendencies and negative ways of coping. Being at home can trigger past unhealed pain and can cause us to behave in ways that may not be equivalent to our age. Be aware of comments, assumptions, behavior that may trigger old wounds.

Second, reimagine your relationship with your parents. As you become aware of your interactions and ways that you may be regressing, start reflecting on how you want to intentionally create new ways of relating. This doesn’t mean to completely change how you are with your parents, but how can you transition from a relationship that moves from an adolescent to an adult relationship? Perhaps it’s learning to express disagreement or your opinion, saying “no”, and letting them know rather than asking for permission. And while it’s nice to come home and maybe have someone take care of you, be aware that being taken care of may reinforce them treating you as a child. To disrupt this pattern, from time to time you can offer to cook a meal or two, take them out to eat, help around the house, or do your own laundry.

Third, learn to communicate your feelings and boundaries. Children do not have the language to articulate their feelings unless it’s modeled in the home. And especially in cultures where many expectations are unspoken, it may be extra challenging to verbalize thoughts, feelings, and needs. However, as adults, you have had exposure to various ways of communicating. Bring that new skill into your family relationships. 

This step may be easier said than done because what you may find is that communicating feelings takes a level of vulnerability. And if you don’t feel you have an emotionally or psychologically safe environment or relationship to communicate this way, then you may need to find alternative ways to relate. This leads to the fourth point.

Fourth, seek culturally responsive professional support. If you find yourself unable to communicate without being too emotionally charged, it may indicate that there are some childhood wounds that you may need to process with a professional. Additionally, in some cultures that value filial piety, speaking up, disagreeing, setting boundaries may be seen as disrespectful or disobedient. Navigating these relationships may require support from someone who understands these cultural complexities. A culturally responsive marriage and family therapist can help individuals work through unprocessed family of origin pain that affects their current relationships with family and others while considering cultural nuances or ramifications. They can also help you increase your emotional literacy and awareness, skills needed for being able to communicate your feelings and boundaries.

So, are you ready to face your nosy aunties over holiday dinner? It’s ok if not, because this takes practice and work. And, hate to break it to yah, but you’ll probably make some mistakes along the way. Be extra patient with yourself as you learn how to navigate these challenging family gatherings. These are not easy and remember that you are not alone. As long as you are being intentional, you’re headed the right direction! Best of luck and I’m rooting for yah!