Why People-Pleasing is Ruining Your Relationships (And What to Do About It)
Let’s dive into a juicy topic that might just hit close to home: people-pleasing. You know, that delightful habit of putting everyone else’s needs before your own—because who doesn't love a little guilt and exhaustion sprinkled on top of their day? If you're feeling overwhelmed by the constant need to please, especially with all the cultural expectations swirling around, it’s time to hit pause and reflect. Grab your favorite tea, and let’s chat about why people-pleasing can be a relationship killer and how to reclaim your space without losing your mind.
People-pleasing is often painted as a virtue, especially in many Asian cultures where filial piety—respecting and pleasing our elders—is a big deal. From a young age, we’ve been praised for being so considerate, thoughtful, and helpful. That we have this ability to read people’s needs before they even expressed it (hate to break it to yah, you’re not the only one with that super power…and it might even be a behavior in codependent relationships). We learned that being good meant putting our needs aside for others. And our sense of self becomes dependent on this praise. It feels good to be needed right? Except when you’re running on empty and your own needs are shoved aside.
People Pleasing Robs You of Genuine Connections
The thing is, people-pleasing might be robbing you of genuine connections. You may be trying to please them, and in that sense, they may feel close to you…but you don’t feel like they know the real you. Others tell you their most vulnerable secrets (which probably make you feel special), yet you aren’t able to entrust others with your heart. You’re so busy making everyone else comfortable that you forget to check in with yourself. Ever had that moment when you’re nodding along, smiling, and keeping the peace, only to end up feeling like a total fraud?
2. It enables toxic behavior
That’s because you’re unwilling to speak up about behaviors that may hurt you for fear of being judged, misunderstood, disliked, or rejected. In those moments, you may think that you’re supporting others, but in reality…and this may be hard to hear…you’re looking out more for yourself.
Speaking up for yourself and your feelings can actually be a loving thing for others because it communicates, “hey, I care about our relationship enough that I want to prevent it from growing bitter from the hurt and resentment that I’ve built up”. Will there be risk in speaking up honestly about how you were hurt? Absolutely. And it can go a few ways—either the person hears it, and you feel safer to be more authentic and honest about your feelings, thus strengthening the relationship. Or, it goes sour because other’s aren’t capable of hearing and holding your feelings. But in that case, isn’t that just information for you to decide whether or not you want these types of people in your life?
2. It Puts a Toll on Romantic Relationships
Let’s talk love. You’re in a relationship, and instead of expressing what you really feel, you’re busy ensuring your partner’s every whim is met. But wait, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? NO! Healthy relationships are a give AND take. If you find that you’re not being reciprocated, there is an imbalance in the relationship.
And the sex. You may not be fully satisfied. Because you’re not able to communicate what you need and want—that’s if you know what you need and want. You’ve been so focused on others needs, that you’re unable to identify your own. You’re out of touch with what makes you feel good, and on top of that, it feels selfish or weird to ask to have that need met. Constantly feeling like you need to satisfy your partner without it being reciprocated can make sex feel like an chore or even a performance which will be detrimental to building intimacy.
Also, people pleasing can put you in emotionally or physically dangerous relationships. If you aren’t able to speak up for yourself, you may agree to having sex even if you don’t feel comfortable or ready. You may even start to accept abusive behavior because you aren’t able to say “no” or speak up for yourself.
3. It forces you to choose between your family or your romantic partners
Now, let’s talk family. Asian families often come with a hefty dose of expectations. Whether it’s honoring filial piety or just keeping the peace, the pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can be intense. Especially if you’re the eldest son or daughter in the family, you have the additional burden of being the role model for your siblings and younger cousins.
So, when it comes to romantic relationships, you may find yourself choosing between them and your family, especially if they don’t meet your families’ expectations. Because of this, its not uncommon for people to hide their partners from their families, sever their relationship with their families, or find yourself in unhappy relationships simply because they had your family’s approval.
4. You don’t feel like you can trust your family
When you’re the one responsible for caring for your family, rescuing them from difficult situations, helping them problem-solve, financially support them, there is no space for you. You may not feel like you can rely on them because they have just so many needs. You feel guilty for asking for anything, sharing your true feelings, or not wanting to help out. And because of that, you keep all your problems to yourself. Not only is that an extremely lonely place to be, but you’re missing the foundation of all healthy relationships—trust. While you may trust your family with your physical well-being, are you able to trust them with your emotional well-being?
If the answer is no, I get it. It’s complex. Maybe there are valid reasons to why you don’t feel emotionally safe. However, if you’ve never allowed yourself to room to be understood, maybe you can learn to take up a little space—ask for help, explain that you are overwhelmed and cannot do xyz, or even be honest with how you’ve been feeling.
5. You may see other’s as incapable of holding their own
When you are so programed to be responsible for fulfilling others’ needs, you may start to believe that they aren’t capable of doing things for themselves. This infantilization of others keeps you stuck in people-pleasing, because “if you’re not the one to help, then who?” This “savior” complex will not only cause you to burn out and build up resentment towards others, but it causes you to strip others of their agency. Seeing others as powerless or incapable actually causes them a disservice because it enables their dependence on you by never having opportunities to cultivate their own autonomy.
If you feel like you’re the “only one” who can fulfill others’ needs, then you might be in a rescuer--rescuee relationship, not a friendship, not a partnership, nor a parent-child relationship.
So, what do we do about this?
Ask yourself some hard questions:
How do I view those who I’m helping?
Am I doing this for external praise or because I really want to?
Am I do this because I feel selfish or guilty or because I really want to?
Am I doing this because I’m afraid that they’ll leave me?
What are some of my needs and wants?
Do I actually agree?
How can I ask for help?
2. Work through internal barriers
Before you can set boundaries, identify what feelings or beliefs are blocking you (ie, feelings guilty or believing that you’re selfish). Then…and this might sound weird…talk to yourself. Talk to the part of you that feels guilty. Remind them that because it feels that way, doesn’t actually mean you’re doing something wrong. You might even want to write down a few statements to challenge those thoughts and beliefs that may be untrue or unhelpful.
3. Identify your feelings and needs
If you’re not in tune with how you are feeling, you can start with using a feelings wheel to increase your emotional literacy. Being able to pinpoint and label these feelings will help you better articulate and communicate them. Once you've identified those feelings, practice using “I feel” statements.
For example: “I feel overwhelmed and hurt when I come home from a busy day at work and no one helps me with the house chores.”
It’s important to use “I feel” statements because it’s a non-blaming way of communicating that still can get your point across (vs. “you never help me with the chores”). When we blame others by saying “you did this”, “you always”, or “you never”, you can trigger someone else’s defensiveness. When we use “I feel” statements, we put the emphasis on how we are impacted, rather than what someone is doing wrong.
4. Communicate your boundaries or ask for support.
Once you’ve identified those feelings and needs, it’s time to communicate your boundaries or ask for help. After expressing your “I feel” statement, you can put in a request. For example: “could we come up with a plan to divide up the house chores?”. Be specific here, because if you just ask “would you be willing to help out some time with the house chores”, because it’s not specific, you’re “sometime” (maybe you’re expecting 2x/wk) may not align with someone else’s “sometime” (1x/month or whenever they feel like it). Be specific so you can make sure you’re on the same page!
Sometimes, you need a little help navigating these cultural and personal challenges. Therapy or coaching can be a game-changer in helping you break free from people-pleasing patterns!
As an Asian American therapist and empowerment coach, I understand the cultural nuances that are difficult to explain and how those can impact our mental health, self-esteem, and the way we navigate our personal and professional lives. In my practice, I strive to create a space where these cultural dynamics are not only acknowledged but also explored as part of the healing process. I believe that true empowerment comes from understanding and integrating all parts of ourselves, including the cultural identities that shape us. This may mean reconciling the tension between individual desires and familial expectations, navigating the complexities of immigrant or first-generation experiences, and confronting the internalized beliefs that may hold us back.
As we work together, I help my clients uncover the ways in which cultural narratives have impacted their self-perception and life choices. Whether it’s overcoming the ingrained need to people-please, breaking free from the fear of disappointing others, or learning to assert oneself in a world that often demands conformity, I walk with my clients every step of the way.
In our work together, we will:
🌟 EXPLORE different internalized messages that keep us stuck
🌟 EXERCISE practice skills you need in order to speak up for yourself
🌟 Overcome obstacles together so you can find EMPOWERMENT in your authentic self.
People-pleasing might seem like a way to maintain harmony, but it often comes at the cost of your own well-being and genuine relationships. As Asian Americans, we face unique cultural pressures that make it challenging to balance our needs with family expectations. But remember: you deserve to be seen and heard as your true self. Let’s shift the focus from pleasing everyone to empowering yourself. After all, a happier you means better relationships all around. 💖
So, how about it? Ready to ditch the people-pleasing and embrace your true and empowered self?
