When Believing You Are “Selfish”, Ain’t All That Selfless.
Have you ever considered that believing you are selfish, isn’t as selfless as you believe?
Hear me out.
When we believe that we are selfish for taking care of our own needs, we have unspoken expectations of others to know and meet our needs. And if they don’t meet them, you get disappointed and build up resentment against them. You think, you’re always giving and thinking of their needs, why couldn’t they have helped you out, been more thoughtful, done this for you. This resentment can come out in passive aggressiveness, snarky comments, blame and criticism, which all damages the relationship. At the end of the day, the resentment takes over and because that resentment came from an unmet need–it centers you anyway.
You end up taking up the space that you initially did not want to take up, but now in a way that is out of your control and even hurtful.
This dynamic happens especially when there is a clash of cultures. It’s common collectivistic cultures where there is an emphasis on the group’s needs before the individuals. We are taught to believe that we are selfish if we care for ourselves so that we could care for the collective. The idea is if everyone has this belief, we would all help out in taking care of each other. This practice actually really strengthens communal bonds.
However, when there is a cultural divide, the unspoken expectations get lost.
This is also why it’s especially hard for 2nd gen Asian Americans because they need to navigate both polarizing cultures. We are expected to give to our family’s needs and not voice our own because it’s implied that someone else knows our needs and will meet them. While this helps build strength in the collective, growing up not voicing our needs puts us at a disadvantage in an individualistic culture. We lose the skills to not just communicate our needs, but maybe even identify them because we always relied on others to know our needs before we knew them ourselves. And when we combine this way of being and relating with those who don’t operate under this cultural rule, our needs ultimately don’t get met.
Even more, it puts us in situations where we may get taken advantage of. Whether it’s in unreciprocated friendships, unhealthy relationships where there is a power imbalance, toxic work environments where we do the work for 5 people, yet never get promoted.
Given that this was our cultural upbringing, it makes sense that verbalizing our needs can feel selfish, but it doesn’t mean it actually is.
We need to recognize that the environment we live in does not operate under these set of rules, and that perhaps speaking up for our needs in this context is advocating and protecting ourselves and our relationships.
Overcoming Barriers
So, how can we combat this belief that voicing our needs is selfish?
Be aware of your cultural makeup, tendencies, and practices and the cultural values of the context you are operating in
Use feelings of resentment as a clue or warning sign that an expectation or need is not met
Once you identify the resentment, sit with it a little longer. Instead of thinking, why isn’t the other person being thoughtful, ask yourself, “Is there something I’m needing right now?”
When you identify that need, you can practice verbalizing it. “Would it be ok if you take over the cleanup for tonight?”, “Can you take care of planning this?” (and actually let them).
As you learn to voice your own needs, be gentle and patient with yourself. This was never modeled to you growing up. So just like learning a new skill, it will take time and practice. As you practice, you may even run into a few barriers (i.e. a need for control, not letting others fully take over…guilty🙋🏻♀️!). Perhaps you realize that you need to learn the vocabulary and language to talk about your needs. Or, maybe it’s that you need to get more in touch with yourself to really identify and know what you need. Rather than be down on yourself, take these “setbacks” as information and opportunities to do the work within yourself.
If this is an area you find yourself struggling with, therapy can be a great way to explore your needs and empower you to voice them. As a therapist who specializes in the intersection of Asian culture and mental health, I know all too well the culturally ingrained beliefs and practices that clash with the dominant culture and how they show up in our relationships and workplace. These cultural conflicts can manifest in various ways, including feeling misunderstood, experiencing pressure to conform, burning out, or struggling to balance traditional values with modern expectations.
In therapy, we can work together to navigate these challenges, helping you to honor your cultural heritage while also finding ways to thrive in a multicultural environment. We will explore strategies for effective communication, boundary-setting, and self-advocacy, all tailored to your unique cultural context.
By addressing these cultural nuances, therapy can provide a supportive space to:
Develop a stronger sense of self-identity and confidence
Improve your relationships with family, friends, and colleagues
Manage stress and anxiety related to cultural expectations
Enhance your overall mental well-being
Remember, having your needs met isn’t selfish. In fact, taking care of yourself will help you better show up for those around you.
Ready to embark on this journey together?
