How to Set Boundaries with your Asian Family
Many clients come to me saying, “boundaries don’t work in my family”.
The assumption is that coming from an Asian family means that boundaries go out the door. And to that I say, “HOLD UP, wait a minute”. Yes, setting boundaries with your Asian family can be difficult because the concept of boundaries was developed through a individualistic and Eurocentric worldview to help individuals be themselves and make their own decisions without being overly influenced by others in the family…which is SO contrary to a collectivistic Asian culture because everything we do involves family. It’s common for family members, especially elders, have unrestricted access to your life. They may freely tell you how and what to decide, give you unsolicited advice on how to live your life, and critique you for not doing things their way.
But when family bonds bind us from living our own lives and being our own individuals, we must set boundaries.
Asian Americans, we we straddle the line between collectivism and individualism, meaning, we must adapt and integrate these two worlds for our well-being.
Boundaries can feel blasphemous to our filially pious culture
…but perhaps there are ways (plural, because it might be different for everyone) to honor the collectivistic value while still maintain your individual identity.
While setting boundaries can be a bit more difficult in Asian families, my belief is that boundaries are not only possible, but necessary in healthy relationships. Setting boundaries takes a certain level of awareness and skill. And growing up in culture where one’s needs and feelings are rarely verbalized (but assumed by others), we lose the skill to articulate what we need and what we want.
Sometimes the barrier to people respecting your boundary isn’t the boundary itself, but how you communicate it.
Additionally, if setting boundaries has never been modeled to us, chances are, we’re not going to get it right the first time…or even the next few times (patience, young grasshopper).
Let’s first understand what boundaries are, how to effectively set boundaries, and some barriers to you may experience, and how you can overcome these barriers.
Here are some things to know about boundaries:
Boundaries protect us…
from burnout at work or with relationships. It makes sure that we are able to do things from a place of abundance rather than from lack. And ask the cliche goes, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. The thing is, in order to set boundaries, you need to know when your cup is dry.
2. Not being able to set boundaries is a self-worth issue.
Boundaries are there to protect us, but if you don’t see yourself as worthy of protecting, you’re not going to set boundaries.
3. Boundaries are NOT walls. Many people are under the impression that setting boundaries means to cut people off. NO. Boundaries are for the protection of the both parties. That leads us to the next point…
4. Boundaries protect relationships.
Not only do boundaries protect you, but they are also a way to honor the relationships. Oftentimes when people violate our boundaries, we can build up resentment towards them. Sometimes that resentment comes out in anger or passive aggressiveness. By communicating clear boundaries, you prevent resentment from building up and ultimately the spill over of that resentment. It will also allow you capacity to do things from a place of capacity rather than deficit.
5. You can have boundaries in different areas of your life.
You can have boundaries in relationships, with work, emotional boundaries, physical, financial, spiritual, sexual, time-bound, etc.
How to set boundaries
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get into the nitty gritty of how the heck we can set boundaries.
So, your parents are constantly interjecting opinions about your partner, your career choice, the way you live your life. You’ve tried to tell them to keep their own opinions to themselves or say “no”. But they shame you for being selfish, for only thinking of yourself. Well, if they’re shaming you, there’s a chance they are shaming themselves as well. In their cultural worldview, being good parents means that they are responsible for your well-being and outcome. This responsibility, if taken too far, can feel very controlling. But for them, if they don’t, it means they aren’t fulfilling their duties as parents. Consequently may feel a sense of shame, believing that they are “bad parents”. This shame is the one that propels their need to control.
For you, it can feel frustrating (and it totally is), but when we try to set boundaries from that place of frustration, it can either backfire, or if it works, we then feel like we need to be at that level of anger each time in order for us to get the point across. This is the tricky part, we must be as regulated as possible when we set boundaries. That’s because when we react from pain, it can trigger other’s pains and defensiveness and it shuts people off from receiving anything we have to say.
So let’s take a step outside our pain, and wooh-sah for a minute.
What if rather than seeing the controlling behavior, we acknowledge the intention, address the impact, and dispel any shame that drives the behavior.
At the heart of what our parents believe is that if you don’t listen to them, it means they are bad parents. When we set boundaries with them, we can also offer to address this black and white way of thinking. While there is no formula to setting boundaries, here’s a rough guide you can follow:
Acknowledge and appreciate their intention. And if you can’t find one that is benevolent, you may have to dig a little deeper.
Ex: “Mom/dad, I know you care and worry a lot which is why you always give me advice.”
Address how the intention impacts you using “I feel” statements. This may feel risky especially if you aren’t used to expressing your feelings. This is also where people fall into the trap of blaming by making “you make me feel…”. Use tools such as the feelings wheel to help you identify your feelings.
Ex: “And it makes me feel overwhelmed/more pressure/more stressed out.”
Notice that I use “and” here instead of the inclination to use “but”. “But” can cause people to be on guard and get defensive. By using “and”, we are disarming people because we aren’t blaming them, we’re expressing how we feel.
Offer a solution and assign them a different role if it fits
“It will really help me if you let me handle these things on my own.” or “it will really help me if you call me 1x/wk instead of 3x.” or “I would really feel supported if you can trust my decisions.”
Here, I’m letting them know the type of support I actually want.
Clarify any unspoken assumptions. This is the part where shame can come in and we want to take an opportunity to address it.
Ex: “This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about your advice, and it doesn’t mean you’re bad parents if you are hands off or if you don’t check in every week. It just means I want to be more independent and take care of this myself.”
Reiterate what you’d like moving forward.
Ex: “For the future, I would like you to trust me to handle this by not always telling me what to do regarding this topic.”
(optional) Invite opportunity to collaborate. If you want to collaborate with them, you can ask them what they think, but you also don’t need to especially if you need to be more firm with them.
Ex: “How does that sound to you?” or “Does that seem fair to you?”
But wait, there’s more! If you thought you were done, PSYC. Boundaries are NOT a one and done. Just as it took you time to learn how to set boundaries, it’s going to take others time to learn how to respect boundaries. The human condition is to forget, so expect to remind them again on your boundaries and be patient.
Here are other tips that may help as you prepare to set boundaries:
Write a script and PRACTICE saying it out loud. I know it sounds weird, but trust me on this one. It’s not enough to just say it in our brain because our mouths are not used to saying those words. This is so that you can start to feel familiar with the vocabulary so that you don’t freeze.
Set intentional time. Sometimes having these conversations during inopportune times (stressful day, hanger, poor sleep, not enough time, etc.) can set us up for failure. You can ask them when you can have a conversation with them.
Work through your own feelings of guilt or shame by challenging internalized beliefs that may not be true or helpful: “It doesn’t mean i’m selfish if I say ‘no’”. “I deserve to have my peace”. “I’m not a bad daughter if I set boundaries.”, “It’s not my responsibility to always make them happy.”, “They can handle the truth”.
Lastly, here are some barriers to setting boundaries.
See if any of these resonate with you.
If you don’t know what your own boundaries are and when they are violated.
If you are not emotionally aware or struggle with identifying and expressing your emotions
You may lack effective communication skills.
You may be very triggered in the moment, causing you to have trouble getting your point across. Also, it can make it difficult for others to really take in what you’re saying.
You assume that other’s “should just know” without you having to verbalize it
You feel responsible for their reactions/response that it keeps you from speaking up for what you want/need.
#6 also points to your inability to let go of control. You can’t control the outcome of how others react.
You may internalize things about yourself that may not be helpful or true (ie. “I’m selfish”, “I should be more grateful”, “I will disappoint others”) that cause you to feel bad or guilty if you set boundaries.
You struggle with self-worth
You may be dealing with individuals who have personality disorders such as narcissism who cannot respect boundaries. In that case, other measures may have to be taken.
Overcoming barriers
Overcoming these barriers is no easy task because it has been your way of being and living for as long as you know. That’s why doing this work is POWERFUL because you may be breaking cycles that have been passed down from generations. Once you work through these challenges, you are setting not just yourself, but your future generations up for success. It CAN start with you.
As an Asian therapist, I understand the unique cultural nuances that make setting boundaries with your Asian family challenging. I specialize in helping individuals navigate these complexities, empowering them to communicate their needs effectively while still respecting their cultural heritage.
In our work together, we will:
increase our understanding of ourselves so we can be aware of our needs and preferences in order to know where our boundaries lie
learn effective communication
increase emotional literacy and awareness
challenge internalized beliefs that keep you from setting boundaries
break the cycle of reactivity by healing past pains
increase your self worth so that you see yourself as worthy of honoring
Ready to find your voice and start advocating for yourself? Sign up for a free consultation to see if therapy or 1:1 coaching with me is right for you!
