How Authoritarian Parenting in Asian Culture Creates People-Pleasers.
We’ve all seen memes and heard jokes about overbearing tiger moms and the ever-disappointed Asian dads. And while these jokes fuel stereotypes about Asians parents, I can’t help but wonder if they’re a way for many of us to cope with the harsh impact of authoritarian parenting in Asian culture. And this type of parenting affects children’s outcomes.
As adults, we become people pleasers, because we started as parent-pleasers.
So, how did we get here? Let’s break down how authoritarian parenting in Asian culture creates people pleasers.
But first, let’s talk about parenting styles. Developmental psychologist, Diana Baumrind and researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin, developed 4 types of parenting:
Authoritarian parents (“rigid rulers”), insist on unquestioned obedience, and enforce rules through psychological control, threats, shaming, and other punishments. They are low in warmth and support, high in demandingness, and rigid in structure and thinking.
On the opposite extreme is the permissive parenting style where parents are pushovers and overly indulge their children. They are high in support and warmth, low in demandingness, and loose in boundaries and structure.
Authoritative parenting style is the balance where parents are high in warmth and support while still being able to set limits and enforce standards. These are parents who are both kind and firm.
Lastly, we have neglectful parenting where parents are uninvolved in their children’s lives. They provide little emotional support and have few demands or expectations. This style is characterized by a lack of communication and nurturing.
While not all parents parent the same way, research suggests that many traditional Asian parents adhere to an authoritarian parenting style. The expectation of unquestioned obedience in authoritarian parenting is a tenet held in Asian culture, known as filial piety (parent worship). Children are expected to treat parents and elders with utmost respect and reverence. Any form of questioning, disagreement, or even speaking of our own opinions could be seen as disrespect and disobedience. Disobedience is dealt with by shaming the child (ie. I remember having to kneel and face the wall as a time out) or sometimes worse, physical punishment. Shaming as a parenting tactic aligns with authoritarian parenting, but in Asian culture, it’s used as a way to propel individuals to be good (whether intentional or not). (Check out my post on: “Challenging Shame as the Eldest Daughter of an Asian Family” where I highlight this further).
The thing is, shame seeps into our identities and makes us believe things about ourselves that are not true.
If we believe we are bad children, we will always strive to be good. If we believe we are a disappointment to our parents, we will always strive for their approval.
It distorts our perception of ourselves and of reality. And when we have a distorted view of self, we are much more easily, for lack of better word, controlled.
Control is the essence of authoritarian parenting.
It’s also a virtue in Asian culture. Stoicism refers to the practice of be self-controlled in temperament, expression, and in behavior. It’s where individuals deny expressing pleasure or pain. Even being very animated in expression, talking or laughing loudly can be seen as “out of control” and thus shameful. This practice aligns with saving face where individuals question themselves before speaking or taking action to avoid attracting negative attention. And while in individualistic cultures where children are responsible for their own actions, in Asian culture, children’s behaviors are reflections of how "good" their parents are.
Being “good” children in Asian culture, implies that our parents are “good” too.
If children behave badly, it means that parents have failed their duties. This failure ultimately brings shame to the family and in an attempt to save face, authoritarian parents can double down on their strictness or shaming.
As a result of filial piety, authoritarian parenting, and saving face, children learn to:
always put other’s needs before their own
not be an inconvenience
avoid “rocking the boat”
keep their own opinions and thoughts to themselves especially if they disagree
be overly helpful and responsible
always agree and say “yes”, even when they mean “no”
go above and beyond by mind-reading other’s needs
second guess themselves, their thoughts, and feelings, especially if they may impact others negatively
fear disappointing others
always seek permission and approval
invalidate their pain especially if bringing it up can cause tension
be who they think others want them to be rather than who they are
These behaviors are even reinforced if parents praise children for being “mature”, “obedient”, “easy-going”, “helpful”, etc. Though these praises are well-meaning, they can cause children to internalize shame if 1) they have thoughts, desires, and behaviors that may not align and 2) that
…their worth and acceptance comes from how well they please others, rather than from who they are as individuals.
And while thinking about others or being helpful isn’t necessarily “bad”, (in fact, it helps that we can be considerate and aware, skills needed to foster a sense of harmony and community), these expectations can become harmful when it’s the only way we can behave in order to be accepted. This lack of choice over how we can present ourselves and live our lives can cause individuals to cope by rebelling. However, to do so in Asian culture where family is the single most important unit, can risk individuals being cut off or disowned (Check out post: “Enmeshment & Emotion Cut-off in Eldest Daughters of Asian Families”).
When we find ourselves bound by ways of being that do not align with our true selves, we must find another way.
In order to unapologetically embody our authentic selves, we must do the work in combatting shame, dismantle internalized messages that keep us stuck in fear, and learn to listen to and trust our own voices. We must understand how our people-pleasing neither serves us nor others as it causes us to not have a sense of self, burnout, build up resentment towards others which can come out in destructive ways, and feel like we are never truly seen by the people who are supposed to be closest to us.
So, are you ready to do something about this?
If you find yourself caught in the cycle of people-pleasing, where your feel like your worth depends on making others happy, there is hope! As an Asian American therapist and empowerment coach, I specialize in helping individuals like you overcome shame, break free from the need to have constant approval, and take up space in your own life.
Together, we will explore how these dynamics have influenced your self-perception and behavior, and work to dismantle the patterns that hold you back.
Through our sessions, you will learn to:
- Break free from the need to please others
- Build genuine confidence
- Embrace your true self
- Assert your needs and take up space without guilt
It's time to reclaim your identity and live authentically. Let's embark on this transformative journey together.
References
Baumrind, D. (1991). Parenting styles and adolescent development. In J. Brooks-Gunn, R. M. Lerner, & A. C. Petersen (Eds.), The encyclopedia on adolescence (pp. 746-758). New York: Garland Publishing.
Hung, J. (2018). Parenting Styles, Academic Demands and Children’s Psychosocial Well-being: Why Today’s Hong Kong Chinese Students Are So Stressed. The Columbia University Journal of Global Health, 8(2). https://doi.org/10.7916/thejgh.v8i2.4854
Tung W-C, Li Z. Pain Beliefs and Behaviors Among Chinese. Home Health Care Management & Practice. 2015;27(2):95-97. doi:10.1177/1084822314547962
