Challenging Shame as the Eldest Daughter of an Asian Family
“I feel guilty”
is the phrase I often hear from my clients. And as the eldest daughter to an Asian family, I too, more often than not, also feel guilty.
This guilt is the one that keeps us stuck in cycles of duty and obligation. It makes us say “yes”, when we really mean “no”. It “should’s” us into overextending ourselves which later causes us to feel resentful. But then, here’s the kicker—we feel guilty for feeling resentful.
When deeply internalized, this guilt seeps into our identities and turns into shame.
Shame says, “If you don’t do this, you are a bad daughter, friend, partner, worker, person.” That you are a disappointment, that you let people down, which makes you unworthy or not enough. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is based on our actions, and shame is based on our identity. Guilt says, we did something bad. Shame says, we are bad. For example when we forget to call our friend on their birthday, we may feel guilt for having forgotten. A small dose of guilt can be helpful because it allows us to repair our wrongs. It is a sign that we are empathetic and compassionate. It is selfless because it recognizes that what we do affect others, not just ourselves. And because of this, you’re able to repair with your friend.
Shame, however, takes it a step further and uses our actions as a way to identify our worth—it says we are a bad friend. And if:
We make a mistake, we are incompetent.
We didn’t reach our goals, we are a failure.
We didn’t do something our parents wanted us to do. We are bad children.
Shame is the conflation of our worth and our actions. It tells us that we are to blame because we are internally flawed. And that belief causes us to punish ourselves. We deny ourselves our needs and wants because it feels too selfish.
What is this shame that ties us down?
Well first, we have to understand shame and honor in Asian cultures. What this means is that our worldview is seen through actions that bring our us and our families either honor or shame. In Confucianism, when individuals have done something morally or socially inappropriate, shame is the mechanism that causes individuals to self-examine and motivates the individual towards positive change. In chapter 2 of the Analects, Confucious writes:
“Lead the people with law and organize them with punishments, and they will avoid the punishments but will be without a sense of shame. Lead them with virtue and organize them with ritual, and in addition to developing a sense of shame, they will bring order to themselves.”
Analects 2/3
In other words, punishment may create behavioral change, but not lasting change. Individuals can do things to avoid punishment, but it doesn’t mean that their character changes or that they feel bad about what they did. Shame, however creates true transformation as it is an internal shift and belief that leads to behavioral changes. It causes individuals to question themselves before they act, asking things like, "If I do X, will I look bad?" or "What will people think of me if I do Y?".
If we believe are are truly “bad”, we will always strive to be “good”.
Thus the instillation of shame ensures that we as a society always strives for good.
This self-questioning is done to preserve not just their own honor but also their family's. In our collectivist culture, where our identities are tied to the group, we experience vicarious shame. Family members often take responsibility to cover for each other's "shameful" acts, through a practice of avoiding shame, also known as saving face. This practice informs all aspects of life, especially in parenting.
Good parenting within the shame and honor context meant to instill this sense of shame in children because it meant teaching kids that how they behave may negatively impact others. Having to be aware of their own actions and how they may impact others teaches children to be considerate and respectful members of society. And when children misbehave, the misbehavior is a reflection of the parents’ parenting (ie, growing up, when my mom would see a kid running around and not listening to their parent, rather than blame the kid, my mom would blame the parent, commenting on how the parents did not know how to teach their children).
Thus, as an Asian kid, to be obedient and well-behaved meant keeping your family from experiencing shame.
Challenging Shame as the Eldest Daughter
The eldest daughters (大姊) of Asian families are special. They are seen as an extension of parents—they’re expected to be well-behaved and obedient, they act as caretakers and role models for their siblings, they help out with the family business, they are translators and cultural brokers.
And because culturally, to be good and well-behaved is to have a strong internalized sense of shame, eldest daughters are shame bearers.
But while having shame preserves our and our families’ honor, what does it do to us?
Eldest daughters find themselves believe that they are “bad” anytime they disagree or have an opinion that is separate from their parents, when they don’t help out enough, or when they want to do something other than always help out. Many have sacrificed their own desires and wants because it was not aligned with what their parents wanted. And many continue to bear their burden of caring for their families whether it is financially or physically.
This shame controls everything we do. It controls us.
And while the internalized shame in our culture, was to help us become considerate members of the collective, it has caused us individual harm, especially in regards to our identity formation, self-esteem, and mental health. As adults, we find ourselves not knowing who we are apart from what we have been told to be because growing up, we didn’t have opportunities to explore other parts of our identities. We’ve internalized the message that we are not good enough or undeserving because we have been taught to focus on others before ourselves. We take up the leftover space and we feel selfish or like we are a burden whenever we express a need. Shame deteriorates our mental health as it causes us to ruminate over our every action and what they reflect about us especially if we make a mistake. It paralyzes us from action and taking risks—even keeps us from going for what we really want.
So, how can we begin to challenge this shame?
We need to differentiate our actions from our worth. Just because we do (or don’t do) X doesn’t mean we are Y.
We need to be aware of how shame talks to us. What does shame call you? How does shame criticize you?
Once aware of the shame dialogue, talk back. What is a kinder, understanding, and gentle approach?
Ground yourself in truths that combat the shaming narrative. This means identifying your strengths and finding evidence that shows the shame that it is wrong.
Work with a mental health professional to break free from barriers that may keep you stuck in the cycle of shame.
As a therapist who specializes in the intersection of Asian culture, gender, and mental health, I know first hand how shame takes over our identities. I, myself, have experienced this shame and through my own healing journey, I’ve learned how to break free from this cycle, take up space, show up authentically, take risks, and live my life unbound by other’s opinions. Most of all, I’ve been able to reconcile the relationships I have with my family. Now, it is my passion to help others find freedom, healing, and empowerment. In our work together, we will deconstruct internalized messages of shame, heal from unresolved pain, and rediscover and reclaim parts of ourselves that have been hijacked by shame.
Are you ready to challenge shame and find freedom? Schedule your consultation to see if therapy or empowerment coaching is right for you!
Your healing is not shameful.
References
Hall, D., Ames, R.(1998). Confucius and Confucianism. In Chinese philosophy. In The Routledge Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Taylor and Francis. Retrieved 11 Jun. 2024, from https://www.rep.routledge.com/articles/overview/chinese-philosophy/v-1/sections/confucius-and-confucianism. doi:10.4324/9780415249126-G001-1
