Enmeshment & Emotion Cut-off in Eldest Daughters of Asian Families
As the eldest daughter of a Taiwanese family, I’ve experienced both extremes of enmeshment and emotional cut-off. Growing up, I was my mother’s confidant and emotional reservoir. Because of financial stressors, my dad was mostly absent, and everyday after school, my mother would pour out her mental and emotional woes while I sat silently, feeling helpless, absorbing. I was a sponge for her grievances— I felt her anger, her sadness, as if they were my own. I sided with her against my father. I became her little mini-me who was out to avenge for the injustice inflicted upon her. I was praised for my identity as my “mother’s helper”. For being sensible and knowing everyone’s needs before they verbalized them. She had molded me well to be just like her—and I wanted to do everything to relieve my parents from their pain.
I don’t say that with resentment because I understand the stressors that she and my father had to endure has a young immigrant family + other factors that were out of their control (and also because I’ve processed and reconciled these pains with them). However, growing up enmeshed with my mother cost me my own identity. I felt that in order to relieve her burden, I had to make myself as small as possible and never “rock the boat” and bother them with my own stressors.
Because I didn’t want to add to my parents stressors, I kept everything to myself—the bullying, the sexual assault, and other issues that I saw my Caucasian classmates go to their parents for. I was the high-achieving, straight A student, first chair cellist, speech and debate captain, involved in tennis and swim, and high school musicals. On the outside, I was the “perfect daughter”. I found my identity in what I was supposed to be rather than who I actually was. Soon, the turbulence of my inner world manifested as severe depression. I started to emotionally cutoff myself from my family, shut myself in my room, and in college, it was as if I had no family. I wanted to escape everything that caused this depression—the rigidity, the expectations, was all too much for me. For a while, this cutoff brought me some relief. Because I we never talked about conflict or issues, the only way I knew to deal with pain was to self-medicate. My I unresolved family wounds began to surface in toxic relationships and friendships. Because I never had the chance to develop my own identity and self-worth, I found myself losing my identity to romantic partners. This, in combination with having poor boundaries and not being able to say “no” led me to be exposed and vulnerable to other types of harm.
I was learning, the hard way, that emotional cutoff didn’t actually help me escape from unresolved family wounds. It wasn’t until I hit the proverbial “rock bottom” in college when I started my healing journey. Through therapy, I was able to gain the skills to express my feelings, but even more important, I had permission to feel. My own journey of healing from enmeshment and emotional cutoff has led me to here and now—why I do what I do. I want to empower those with similar experiences with the language, knowledge, and understanding for their own journey of understanding the intersection of their culture and mental health.
Here, I give a breakdown of what enmeshment and emotional cutoff actually, the cultural considerations, and their impact on eldest daughters.
Enmeshment
The concept of enmeshment was first introduced by family therapist, Salvador Minuchin, in the 1970. He describes enmeshment as an extreme lack of boundaries. He suggested that the following three factors were essential for the development of enmeshment: (1) family organization, (2) involvement of the child in conflict, and (3) the physical vulnerability of the child (Minuchin et al., 1975).
Consequences of enmeshment and Cultural Considerations
Lack of individuality manifests when individuals are enmeshed, losing the ability to distinguish their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. This fusion of identities results in a loss of personal autonomy and self-identity.
This phenomenon is particularly prevalent in collectivistic cultures, where group identity supersedes individual identity. The proverb "the nail that sticks up gets hammered down" illustrates the societal pressure to conform for the sake of group harmony.
Furthermore, in East Asian cultures, women are bound by the traditional code of the "3 obediences": obedience to father before marriage, to husband after marriage, and to son after the husband's death. Women often adopt auxiliary identities, introducing themselves based on their relation to the patriarch in their lives, such as "so-and-so's wife" or "mother." From a young age, daughters, specifically first-born daughters are taught to prioritize the needs of others over their own, contributing to a loss of autonomy and self-identity. These cultural and patriarchal norms often put Asian women at risk of becoming enmeshed in relationships.
Role confusion
Eldest daughters of Asian families often take on the role of being the “3rd parent” where they become their mother’s helper and sibling’s caretaker and role model. In immigrant families, they take on adult roles of being the translator, cultural broker, and take on additional acculturation stressors that immigrant families often face. This causes first-born daughters to be parentified which refers to the process by which a child is forced to take on adult roles and responsibilities, often in response to a parent's physical or emotional absence, illness, or incapacity. In the context of eldest daughters, parentification may occur when they are tasked with caregiving duties, household chores, or even managing family finances at a young age. This premature assumption of adult responsibilities can have significant impacts on the eldest daughter's emotional well-being and development, as they may struggle to balance their own needs with the demands placed upon them by their family.
Recent findings suggest that these behaviors knowing as “eldest daughter syndrome” are not just a sociocultural phenomenon, but that biologically, first-born daughters are wired to be their mother’s helpers. A UCLA study found that prenatal stress in mothers correlated with the early maturation of first-born daughters. The early maturation enables first-born daughters to help their mothers care for their siblings. What is interesting is that these findings were not found in sons or other daughters who were not first-born.
Emotional overinvolvement.
Enmeshed individuals make feel an overresponsibility or even obligation to manage others’ emotions and well-being. This causes a high dependency and reactivity as others may often feel “micromanaged” or “controlled”.
The burden of role confusion, wherein eldest daughters shoulder responsibilities beyond their years, compels them to become overly involved in matters that should not be their concern. Many begin to identify with their role as the helpful daughter, the “one who does it all and takes care of everything and everyone”, the “responsible and reliable one”. The reinforcement of these roles during upbringing, often through parental praise, ingrains in eldest daughters the belief that being "good" requires them to oversee their family's well-being, even when their families prefer not to be managed.
Poor boundaries.
This constant caretaking can lead to boundary overstep and a need to control others' emotions not to mention feelings of resentment and burnout. Struggling to establish boundaries or relinquish this role often triggers overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame. Because these behaviors were reinforced in upbringing, it is likely the eldest daughters have seen these behaviors modeled in their own mothers. During their formative years, eldest daughters often find it challenging to establish boundaries with their mothers, particularly when their mothers' overinvolvement is culturally interpreted as "care." As adults, eldest daughters struggle to identify, let alone communicate when their boundaries are being crossed while concurrently feeling the need to overstep on others boundaries as well.
Limited conflict resolution
Communication is one of the primary struggles of an enmeshed family (Kog et al., 1985). Addressing conflict may lead to anxiety and rupture in relationships. This poses as a threat to enmeshed individuals as to rupture their relationship often means a rupture in their identities. And because they did not develop their own identities, often it can lead to more loss and confusion.
Cultural values of filial piety where the utmost respect is given to elders of the family, direct communication, questioning, or challenging ideas is often seen as disrespect, dissent, or even betrayal. In families that hold more “traditional” values, the father is the head of the household and parents through an authoritarian approach where children are expected to give their unquestioned obedience. Because of this, issues that may come up are rarely addressed. This authoritarian approach impacts especially the eldest daughter as they are seen as the role model of the family. Their obedience is a model for other siblings to follow. The expected unquestioned obedience robs individuals of the skills to communicate and resolve conflict.
Emotional manipulation
Because enmeshed relationships are emotionally intense, this powerful emotional connection can be used as a tool for manipulation or control (Williams & Hiebert, 2001). Family members may use guilt-tripping to maintain the status quo.
In Asian families where worldviews are seen through a shame and honor lens, practices such as saving face are used to preserve the family honor. In order to maintain honor and harmony in Asian culture, many individuals utilize guilt as a form of control. In the case of the eldest daughter, this guilt reels them back into carrying the burden of managing the families’ well-being and throws them back into the cycle of burnout.
Emotional Cut-off
Where enmeshment is on one end of the spectrum of emotional intensity, emotional cut-off is on the opposite extreme. According to Murray Bowen, psychiatrist and leading pioneer in family therapy, emotional cutoff refers to the process by which individuals distance themselves emotionally from their family of origin to manage unresolved emotional issues or conflicts within the family system.
Emotional cutoff may involve physical separation from family members, such as moving away geographically, or it may manifest as a psychological barrier that limits emotional intimacy and communication with family members. Individuals may use emotional cutoff as a coping mechanism to protect themselves from unresolved family dynamics or to avoid facing difficult emotions.
However, emotional cutoff doesn’t actually resolve unhealed family wounds. In fact, it could cause difficulties in forming close relationships, poor coping with unresolved emotional issues, and a sense of disconnection from one's roots. Emotional cut-off also has intergenerational affects where the very behaviors that led you to cut-off from your family origin may be replicated in your own family.
In Asian culture, family relationships are the cornerstone of society, and the parent-child bond is revered as the most fundamental human connection (de Bary, “Filial Piety (Xiao)”). Therefore, being estranged from one's family can feel like severing an integral part of oneself. Eldest daughters who have emotionally distanced themselves from their families often grapple with feelings of guilt and shame, continuing to perceive themselves as "bad daughters." Some harbor hopes of reconciliation but lack the necessary skills in conflict resolution and boundary-setting, perpetuating a cycle of estrangement. Others have been compelled to cut ties with their families due to the rigidity of parental expectations, forcing them into a dilemma between living for their families or for themselves. Additionally, instances of abusive parenting, trauma, or dealing with parents with personality disorders may have necessitated emotional cutoff as a means of self-preservation. Regardless of the circumstances, emotional cutoff is was a survival strategy.
What healing looks like?
Healing looks different for everyone. For some, healing looks like reconciling with their families while for others it may be learning to accept that they had to cutoff to survive and work through healing the shame. For many, it’s healing the attachment wounds so to not pass the behaviors on to future generations.
For me, it took a lot of trial and error. I was intentional about differentiating from my parents and developing my own sense of self—and yes, it sure felt selfish. I surrounded myself with a supportive community and with those I admired who were brave enough to voice their thoughts and opinions. This inspired me to develop my own voice, listen to my own thoughts, and see them as good. I took time to explore what I wanted in life, examined my purpose, tapped into what made me feel passionate, and I took steps to pursue those passions.
Regarding family, I learned to communicate my feelings, share how I had been affected growing up. And they got to share their side as well—and yes, it was messy and you could cut the tension with knife whenever we had family meals. But eventually my parents understood and we were able to give each other grace and forgiveness. I learned to set boundaries and empowered them to step outside their comfort zones. My mom has especially grown in her ability to advocate for herself (especially to financial institutions haha) and that giving me space or not always serving me doesn’t mean she’s a “bad mom”. My dad has learned how to be softer. And I’ve reimagined what being a “good daughter” looks like and realized that it wasn’t about what I did, but who I am that makes me good.
Of course my eldest daughter duties still kick in, but in ways where I feel I have capacity. The difference is that rather than doing things from a place of guilt and obligation, I now do things from a place of love.
If you are seeking healing from enmeshment and emotional cutoff, it’s so important to find a therapist who understands how to navigate the nuances of culture and family because they understand the gravity of emotional cutoff in Asian culture. If you or someone you know would like support, feel free to schedule a consultation to see if we’d be a good fit! I’d be honored to help you navigate these issues with cultural sensitivity, understanding, and care.
References
de Bary, William Theodore, et al. “Confucian Teaching.” Asian Topics on Asia for Educators: An Online Resource for Asian History and Culture, Asia for Educators, Columbia University, 3 Dec. 2003, http://afe.easia.columbia.edu/at/conf_teaching/ct01.html.
Kog, E., Vandereycken, W., & Vertommen, H. (1985). The psychosomatic family model. A critical analysis of family interaction concepts. Journal of Family Therapy, 7(1), 31–44.
Minuchin, S., Baker, L., Rosman, B. L., Liebman, R., Milman, L., & Todd, T. C. (1975). A conceptual model of psychosomatic illness in children: Family organization and family therapy. Archives of General Psychiatry, 32(8), 1031–1038.
Williams, L. M., & Hiebert, W. J. (2001). Challenging the belief system behind enmeshment. Journal of Clinical Activities, Assignments & Handouts in Psychotherapy Practice, 1(2), 17–28.
