Cultural enmeshment or Codependency?
When I was in grad school, I had a professor, a middle aged white guy, who told me that I was codependent. I remember I had gone up to him after class because his lecture on codependency led me down a self-pathologizing spiral (something all counseling students experience at least once a semester).
So, I mustered up the courage to speak with him after class, determined to find out if I was codependent— but before he answers my question, he gives me an elbow nudge and assumes,
“you’re Korean right?”.
“Um, no” (not sure why he’s asking), “I’m Taiwanese”.
“Oh, you look Korean”, he replies.
I think, “um ok? what does that have to do with anything?”
He changes the subject and then presents a scenario, a sort of litmus test to see if I was codependent.
“If I tell you that I’m thirsty” and there’s a cup of water over there (he points across the room), “what would you do”?
I told him, “well, I’d go and give it to you”.
Without a pause, “AH HA” he exclaims, “you’re codependent! I didn’t ask you to give me a cup of water”.
“Yea, but you hinted at it”.
“No—that was you mind-reading. That’s codependency.”
He beams with an air of pride as if he had helped unveil a curtain to my budding therapist mind. What he really did do, was cause me to spiral even more as I flashback to all the moments I had poured someone a cup of water just because they said they were thirsty.
This led me to join countless ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings even though neither of my parents struggled with addiction, furiously digest Melody Beatties “Codependent no more”, and attend weekly freakout therapy sessions trying to understand these “codependent” behaviors.
But as I learned more about codependency, the more I saw a distinction with my own experience. First, codependent characteristics develop in individuals who often times are partners with or are children of individuals with addiction. To create homeostasis in the family system, the individual had learned to be the one to premeditate all needs before things get out of hand. For example: if the person with addiction does not have his/her drink, he/she gets extremely irritable and can start arguments. To prevent this, the codependent partner or child makes sure that the partner or parent has everything they need in order to “keep the peace”. In doing so, the codependent finds worth and even experiences the validation of being the caretaker, of being needed. However, what the codependent person was really doing, was attempting to control the environment to make it safe. This need for control and need to be needed seeps into the codependent person’s sense of self to the point that their identity becomes fused with others. They lose their sense of self, minimize their own needs (even to the point of neglect), need to people-please, difficulty saying “no” as seen through having poor boundaries, always strived for perfection (causing high self-criticism), and feeling guilt or shame for not living up to other’s expectations.
These were all characteristics that I had found in myself which was why I believed my professor when he told me I was codependent. However, during grad school, I was also going through a journey of understanding my cultural identity. I started this journey because I had realized that I was so out of touch with being Asian. In fact, being Asian had always been more of a sore point for me than a point of pride—and because of that, I had internalized so much shame. The shame was two-fold— shame of being Asian and then the shame of being ashamed of being Asian (you with me?).
The more I learned about my cultural identity and values that are largely shaped by Confucianism, the more I saw an overlap with codependent characteristics and, well—being Asian. In Confucianism, relationships are seen as hierarchical, patriarchal, and collectivistic. What that means is that authority is never challenged as seen through the practice of filial piety where obedience to parents and elders is the highest virtue. Any form of questioning or “say no” to authority or to our elders’ request was a form of disrespect and shame—but not just shame on the individual, but shame on the entire family as our identities are tied to our relationship with the group.
Because of the strong ties to our group, it is important for individuals to “save face” by not airing out our dirty laundry as that reflects back on the group. With the group mentality also comes with the need to maintain harmony and “keep the peace”—that sometimes means thinking of, premeditating, and putting the needs of the group before your own and even minimizing your own needs. Oftentimes, these group needs are unspoken, they are just common knowledge within group members.
Because of patriarchal ideologies, men are valued above women as they are the ones to carry on the family name. Women’s identities are often an association to the males in their lives. Oftentimes, they are introduced and known as so-so’s wife, daughter, sister, rather than by their own names. A wife’s duty is to her husband and children, a daughter to her parents, and a sister, especially the eldest sister, is to be the caretaker for her younger siblings.
Codependency results from an imbalance of power.
In a household with an addict, the addict has the most power as how they behave dictates the safety of the environment. The codependent person has to adjust and diminish their own power in order to create safety. This parallels a hierarchal/patriarchal household where women do not have power and are expected to respect their authority and do not have the option of saying “no”. The loss of social power in a collectivistic culture can cause women to lose their identities where they enmesh or fuse their identities with their husbands or children. With the practice of “saving face” that is tied to a shame and honor culture, women may have difficulty speaking up for their needs, their individual struggles, or any form of challenge/dissent. Additionally, what they do needs to reflect well on the family—that means striving to meet high expectations. This having high expectations can be further compounded by the fact that many Asians whose families came as immigrants, grew up seeing their parents’ sacrifices, and have felt the pressure to make their parents proud in order to justify how much was sacrificed.
Thus, the characteristics that many Asian women display, especially if they come from very traditional cultural values, highly parallel to that of codependent characteristics.
However, is it that Asian women are codependent or that patriarchy weaponizes a collectivistic culture against Asian women?
And these characteristics were ones that had to be adapted in order for women to survive in that society.
To be able to have interdependent relationships is a beautiful thing because it teaches us to better relate, think of others outside of ourselves, and have reciprocal relationships. But, when there is an imbalance of power, it can be detrimental. Asian women have been forced to enmesh with their culture in order to belong—and unfortunately, that includes internalizing patriarchy. We must dismantle the harmful power structures that cause individuals to diminish themselves in order to survive. We must give Asian women more credit as they were just adapting to an environment that did not allow them to take up space.
Let’s not pathologize Asian culture, or women, because the actual problem, is patriarchy.
So no professor, I’m not codependent.
